In my profession, I’m fortunate to interact with parents on a daily basis and share in their triumphs, challenges, celebrations and sorrows. And in doing so, I have found that parents are faced with a complex, challenging world, in which they do their best to raise their children. At times, it is evident that they struggle to exercise their better judgment amid conflicting ideas, research, and opinions, and ultimately, through sheer exhaustion, they capitulate to the loudest most popular demand of that moment and their better judgment gives way to keeping the peace.  

The power of ‘active parenting’ and its positive impact on children’s development and academic success is more important than ever. This is because of the tech-connected, sophisticated, more challenging terrain our 5–12-year-olds cover as they mature through childhood. Just as certain movies require parental guidance due to the complexity and nature of the content being shown, life experiences also require adult guidance – to support children by helping them to understand, make smart choices, and respond appropriately.

Developing emotion regulation in children is the cornerstone of parenting

It is well-known that parenting children through adolescence is far more challenging than parenting children in early and middle childhood. However, it is in this phase of development that many emotional skills or emotional competencies are acquired, and it is from this baseline that they are consolidated, broadened, and built on during adolescence. The development of emotional competencies in the pre-teen years culminates in a greater likelihood of emotional intelligence and regulation through the teenage years. During the early years, children depend heavily on parents to assist them to regulate their emotions. As their parents teach them about emotions and responses, they develop increasing competence to regulate their own reactions. Certain parenting styles such as emotion coaching, positive role modelling and boundary-setting have been found to be most effective.

What is Emotional Development?  

Children achieve emotional intelligence when they can do some or all of the following:

• Identify and understand their own emotions and communicate with others about how they feel.
• Identify and understand other people’s emotions and respond with empathy.
• Regulate their own emotions and the way they express them.
• Use their emotional awareness to guide them when solving problems.
• Develop frustration tolerance and being able to wait to get what they want or need.
• Keep distress from overwhelming their ability to think.

These emotional competencies are important for developing friendship, resolving conflict, learning, seeking help and achieving goals. Researchers suggest that they provide the foundation for emotional intelligence as the child grows into adulthood (Coleman, 1995; Mayer & Salovey, 1997)

Parenting brings different degrees of challenge with different children

A number of factors influence the degree of difficulty when parenting a child, and it is sometimes comforting when parents realise that some children are more difficult to raise than others. Parents can feel embarrassment and failure when challenges and behaviour do not resolve easily, and they tend to relax once they accept that the formula for success requires a more extended coaching, not because of their capability, but because of the complexity of the child. Whilst cognitive development, socialisation, and life experiences can influence child response and growth, aspects of innate temperament can affect emotional competence (Denham et al., 2000). This includes adaptability to change, emotional demeanour (happy vs. irritable), attentional capability, sensitivity, and how much they are impacted by changes in their environment. Even though aspects of temperament are believed to be genetically based, they can be altered according to socialisation (Sanso, Smart, Prior and Oberklaid, 1993). Research has shown that if children are helped to learn effective emotion regulation strategies they can, over time, reduce the intensity of their emotional reactions, lowering their risk of problematic outcomes. It is important to recognise that socialisation depends heavily on the way that parents interact with their child alongside the other significant adults in their world. Parents who don’t provide the correct role modelling for children have to rely on their own heavy lifting or the intervention of others later down the track, to correct poor emotional pathways and behaviours that have set in.

Punishment vs. emotional coaching

Parents sometimes share the difficulty they have in setting boundaries, enforcing rules, and guiding their child’s digital and social activities. By following expert recommendations on best parenting practices, parents can confidently navigate these challenges, creating nurturing environments that facilitate their children’s growth and wellbeing. In short, parents need not fear getting into the driver seat of parenting so that they guide their children through childhood. As much as this will include listening to children and empathising with them, it will also involve a firm ‘no’, a clear guideline on action and activity, and a well-thought-out set of consequences that can realistically be implemented.

The models of parenting which researchers have found to be unhelpful to children include those in which parents are laissez-faire and accept all emotions and expressions instead of assisting to regulate them, parents avoid talking about difficult emotions, or parents are critical of the child’s emotions whether positive or difficult. Accordingly, best parenting requires the adult to co-navigate life with the child as a life coach. Instead of only defaulting to a dismissive or punitive, consequences-based model, emotional coaching develops innate pathways of response in children so that they develop personal ownership over their behaviours and a framework for responses that they understand.

When coaching children, parents need to:

• Be aware of children’s emotions.
• View displays of emotion as an opportunity for connection and teaching.
• Help children to verbally label the emotion being experienced.
• Empathise and validate children’s emotions.
• Help children to solve problems and set limits where appropriate (as per the references to boundaries, rules and consequences).

In order to achieve the best outcome to emotion coaching with children, parents should consider establishing four key aspects in their family universe.

1. Establishing Boundaries and Rules. Setting clear and consistent boundaries provides children with a sense of security and stability. Regular family meetings or quiet one-to-one conversations, when relationships are in balance and conflict is absent, can help reinforce these expectations and encourage children to understand the reasons behind rules and limitations. Discuss expectations around home chores, morning wake up routines, family interactions, and even digital usage, when tension is absent and emotions are not heightened. Parents should also explain the ‘why’ behind the possible ‘no’ or ‘stop’ the child might meet in the future, and link it to the valuable lesson about limits, respect, and self-discipline it will teach them. Similarly, developing a clear understanding of the why behind the rules or expectations that are in place can assist with a more speedy resolution when parents need to redirect the behaviours of their children. One important action is to repeatedly revisit these expectations by scheduling a family meeting or discussion frequently, to review, “How are we travelling with our agreement and what nuances are we willing to adjust?” Talking during times of harmony is the most powerful parenting tool on the market.
2. Guiding Digital and Social Activities. In this digital age, parents face the challenge of managing their child’s tech tantrums, mobile phone use, internet access, and app usage. Experts recommend age-appropriate and supervised technology use, and it is critical to follow these guidelines and set user permissions to an appropriate safety standard accompanied by an explanation of the dangers within the platform that require this action. It is better to speak from an informed perspective, so parents are required to familiarise themselves with their child’s preferred media environments and the video grabs they enjoy watching. Websites such as commonsense.org and esafety.gov.au will assist you to identify the inherent challenges in an app or social platform and enable you and your child to decide how to use it safely and sensibly, if at all. Additionally, it’s beneficial to establish screen time limits and promote a healthy balance between online and offline activities. This ensures that children are well-practised in the amount of time they are permitted on screen while they develop the skill to participate in other activities besides engaging with their beloved technology. This might require parent involvement in other physical, outdoor activity, the encouragement of reading, and the playing of real-world games or activities. Regular communication with children about online safety, cyberbullying, pornography, and appropriate content is essential to protect them from potential risks.
   My observations of children have helped me to understand that they hanker after their own personal mobile phone not so much because they want to use it, but simply because when they display it or hold it, they belong! It has become an extension of their “in-fashion” clothing statement. It is important that children feel that their parents understand this need, and the power of them feeling like they are part of a social group. The above insights assist discussion so that boundaries can be placed on phone usage, and safe practice can be enforced and enabled in our young. Parental guidance is essential.
   Moriah students have benefitted noticeably from, and even shown gratitude for, the removal of phones into a daytime safe as soon as they arrive at school, and the return of the device upon their departure. A simple rule to define the times for phone use. The ‘no’ does not need to be a blanket rule that prohibits them from connecting, the ‘no’ just needs to be a better way to do what they wish to do.
   Parents should strike a balance in their involvement in their child’s social life. They should know when to step back and give their child space, yet remain present enough to listen to their challenges and, when appropriate, observe the dynamics of their interactions with others. It is beneficial to encourage positive friendships and guide children towards healthy relationships, but it is critical to remember that the child that you like or feel has the correct status to be a friend of your child, is not necessarily your child’s first choice. We name these as aspirational friendships to fulfil parent dreams, but it is important to understand that these don’t match the dreams of our children. Allow children to choose and recognise what makes them feel comfortable and, unless the friendship will harm them, encourage this happy space. In this way, parents can guide opportunities for socialisation with peers in safe environments while keeping an eye on their activities to ensure their wellbeing.
3. Homework Completion and Academic Engagement. Encouraging children to complete their homework and engage in academic activities is fundamental to their learning journey. Parents should establish a designated study area at home and set a consistent routine for homework completion. They should offer support and guidance when needed, fostering a positive attitude towards learning and use their family meeting time to reach agreement on the days and times for academic activity with a clear understanding of why it is important for us to review and retrieve what we have learnt in the day. The education around the science of learning and practice of morning routine supports parents in these discussions and the educators remain in the wings to ensure home study occurs. This can be further encouraged when parents celebrate the growth in their child’s learning as opposed to being fixated on grade achievement and striving to achieve the “Straight A” ideal. Praising effort, celebrating the finely-grained milestones and applauding persistence and a growth mindset go a long way to establishing a safe space in which children shift closer towards intrinsic motivation to complete home study and increase their proficiency in aspects of learning. 
4. Response to Consequences. Teaching children about accountability and consequences for their actions is crucial for their personal growth. Parents should not shield their children from experiencing the outcomes of their behaviour. Instead, they should use these moments as teachable opportunities to discuss the impact of actions, choices, and decision-making and assist their child to sit in the uncomfortable consequence of their actions with a long-term view that the learning accessed within the experience can shape and improve future actions. Opportunities for emotional coaching are obvious in every corner of this experience and should not be missed.  

Conclusion

‘Active Parenting’ or ‘Parental Guidance’ is an essential aspect of fostering a child’s holistic development between the ages of 5 and 12. The guidance above is based on an eclectic approach informed by the collective research and insight of experts. Essentially, we understand that parents need to set boundaries and rules, guide child viewing, digital and social activities, encourage academic engagement, and teach accountability. More importantly, parents need to coach their children emotionally as this develops neural pathways in children so that they can select the best responses to the various contexts that they meet in this exciting journey called life. Parents are the role models to these wide-eyed youngsters and if they can be the exemplar of the lessons they teach, their coaching will be even more powerful. By creating a nurturing yet structured environment, parents can empower their children to thrive in the modern world while instilling essential values and life skills.

As a school attached closely to a community, Moriah College aims to support parents in their parenting journey through our educator and leadership resource and our parenting programs, such as ‘Tuning into Teens’, ‘Circle of Security’, and ‘Amazing Me for Parents as Partners’. The evidence supporting both the setting up of contexts which assist success in our children alongside affording them emotional coaching is clear. The benefit of well-informed, impactful parental guidance is a prerequisite for effective child rearing and the need for parents to be courageous and recognise their value and power is imperative. This will ensure that we are able to coach our children into the necessary emotional state to respond to their world and will ensure the best possible outcomes for every child’s education, wellbeing, and success.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lynda Fisher is the Head of Primary School at Moriah College in Queens Park, NSW.