Written by Rabbi Gad Krebs, College Rabbi

And the people were complaining in a bad way in the “Ears” of Hashem.

There’s a fine line between being a critical thinker and just being critical.

Imagine you’re standing in front of a large mural with thousands of tiles, each delicately and consciously placed to create the masterpiece. However, one tile is missing. Whether it’s in the corner or the centre, most people cannot unsee the error. We ignore the 10,000 correctly placed tiles and focus on the single gap. This is called “Missing Tile Syndrome.”

We are naturally drawn to errors. Perhaps it is a defence mechanism or tall poppy syndrome, where we try to bring down the success of others by focusing on their shortcomings, even if they are relatively insignificant. It may be an evolutionary development, allowing us to spot weaknesses in our natural competitors or prey. It may even be useful in navigating the philosophical world and political landscape, allowing us to make informed and educated decisions.

But in the world of relationships, it can be catastrophic.

In this week’s parsha, the Israelites complain to Hashem and Moshe. Unlike previous occasions, there is no specific complaint. We are not short of water or food, and our enemies are not threatening us. Rather, it was a complaint in vain, a critical view of the world. Just kvetching.

When dealing with others, especially our children, we damage our relationships when the other party feels that all we can see is “their missing tile.” Even when we preface our critique with praise—”you have done a great job and the work is excellent… except…”—the listener cannot hear the praise and it is swallowed by the critique.

Dr. John Gottman, a world expert on relationships and marriage, says that the “magic ratio” is that for every negative interaction, a stable and happy relationship has five (or more) positive interactions.

Even Hashem struggles with the critic, and if Hashem struggles, all the more so do our children.

I’m not sure how we balance nudging our children, pushing them to be their best and not settling for mediocrity on the one hand, and being highly critical on the other. But it seems that love and support go further than criticism.